Let the train cause the strain - and the doctor not cure it

My train home was 30 seconds early one day this week. Just thought I’d mention it. You have to be careful with punctuality-related vocabulary. “On time” doesn’t in fact mean “as per the time shown on the timetable”, it refers to any time within 10 minutes of that shown. Obvious really. The railways don’t make much sense at all, frankly. The trains are owned by venture capitalists and run by a hotch-potch of franchisees on track that’s maintained (or not) by a variety of private companies contracted to a publicly-owned replacement for a previous privatised government department – and all overseen by a toothless watchdog.

I’m not old enough to remember the heady days of BR properly: days out to London on the train in the 80s were impossibly exciting but I suspect that was due to the adventure rather than the quality of the rolling stock, some of which was orange. In the post-privatisation era Connex, who previously operated water pipes in France, proved inept and lost their franchise. I can’t even remember the name of the next company to take over Kent’s trains but they were almost as bad for quite a while. Then, just as they started to improve the service to Third World standards, they were booted out and SouthEastern Trains took over. With their shiny new rolling stock they’ve made inroads but still punctuality is a sticking point. And although they hide behind (or under) leaves on the line and the inadequacies of Network Rail, it seems to me the real problem is targets.

The government, or one of its quangoes, supplied the rail companies with detailed information about the arrival times of their services, told them they had to match the timetables, and allowed them to modify the timetables. You didn’t have to be a prophet to predict what would happen next. My regular trains to and from work used to be scheduled to arrive at 8.31 and 18.20 respectively, and were late (in the normal sense of the word) more often than not. Now four minutes has been added to each timetable and curiously enough, punctuality has improved. This is aided by the 10-minute leeway which allows the rail companies to boast 90+% of trains are “on time” and the government to bask in reflected glory. In the real world, our journeys are still as long as before. Sometimes longer: at the fringes of peak time and in the evenings, trains are frequently held at stations because they’ve arrived early but can’t leave until the new timetable allows. I’ve heard it said that fast trains from Margate to London take longer now than in 1947, where locomotives ran on smelly Welsh coal and the carriages were made from old packing cases. So much for progress. Give me a train that’s fast rather than punctual, please, if you can. But it won’t happen because the current situation is too cosy: shareholders get a dividend; the inherent deficiencies of the whole set-up are hidden; and fewer poor-performance fines have to be paid from taxpayer subsidies.

It’s not only rail passengers that suffer from crazy targets. Our doctor must see within 48 hours every patient who makes an appointment – it’s in his patient charter, or something. What it means in reality is that the receptionist takes bookings only 48 hours ahead and once the list is full, you have to ring back the following day. Genius or madness? The only beneficiaries are the consultants paid to find loopholes in these nanny-state regulations.

If I could draw up targets like this, I would oblige myself to attend work only once a week. Then I could turn up a whole twice and declare it a minor triumph which qualified me for a bonus.

Seeing as I can’t set my own performance targets, I will direct towards those in government who think these things are a great idea, an ancient Arab insult: May the leaves of a thousand trees delay your journey home. I fear it may fall on deaf ears as they sit in their limos.